


100 Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do

by zellieh



Series: Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do [2]
Category: Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Genre: Bad Jokes, Banter, Bisexual Character, Bisexuality, Character of Color, Co-workers, Diplomacy, Documentation, Engineers, Exhibitionism, Explosions, Female Characters, Female Friendship, Friendship, Girls with Guns, Guns, Heterosexual Character, Heterosexuality, Homosexual Character, Homosexuality, Humor, Jokes, Light Bondage, Lists, Mad Scientists, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Memo, Mild Kink, Multi, Multi-Culturism, Multicultural, Office Party, Office Supplies, POV Male Character, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Science, Self-Defense, Sex Positive, Sexual Content, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Humour, Skippy's List, Smuggling, Spies & Secret Agents, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Teamwork, Villains, Voyeurism, Women Being Awesome, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, male characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-09 12:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/455602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zellieh/pseuds/zellieh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please stop playing with the super glue. We are a law enforcement office, not a modern art gallery. There will be severe consequences when I find out who glued Mrs. Nbebe's desk and other office fixtures to her office ceiling.</p><p>This is an extended version of <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/36693">50 Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	100 Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do

**Author's Note:**

> Written as an exercise in silliness with a touch of meta. Mild warnings for humour that may not be to everyone's taste, featuring brief mentions of sexually active, mischievous adults ingesting copious amounts of alcohol and various drugs and playing a lot of pranks. Some of the jokes have an angsty side to them.
> 
> With thanks to my co-conspirators: **LC** , [](http://periwinkle27.livejournal.com/profile)[periwinkle27](http://periwinkle27.livejournal.com/), [](http://wishfulaces.livejournal.com/profile)[wishfulaces](http://wishfulaces.livejournal.com/), [](http://elmyraemilie.livejournal.com/profile)[elmyraemilie](http://elmyraemilie.livejournal.com/), [](http://tatkreiswok.livejournal.com/profile)[tatkreiswok](http://tatkreiswok.livejournal.com/), [](http://amethyst_hunter.livejournal.com/profile)[amethyst_hunter](http://amethyst_hunter.livejournal.com/), [](http://quill_shadow.livejournal.com/profile)[quill_shadow](http://quill_shadow.livejournal.com/), and [](http:/delkytlar/.livejournal.com/profile)[delkytlar](http://delkytlar.livejournal.com/) . Thanks, all of you!
> 
>  
> 
> _~ Dedicated to the memory of Periwinkle, who died in June 2012 ~_  
>  ~ You were one of the major supporters and creators of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. fandom. Thank you. ~  
> ~ Rest in peace, Susan. ~  
> 

`  
**M E M O R A N D U M** `

` To: All Staff, All Sections`

`From: A Waverley, Number One, Section One`

`Date: 01 Jun 1966 `

`THINGS U.N.C.L.E. STAFF ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO`

`Recently it has come to my attention that, once again, certain staff-members have been deliberately ignoring or mis-interpreting certain rules. To re-iterate:`

`001. Whilst I appreciate that 'The Old Man,' 'the old goat,' 'the madman in the attic,' 'Daddy Dearest,' 'Auntie,' and other such epithets are terms of affection when used by my staff, they are not appropriate for use in any official documents, or in any situation where THRUSH might be observing you.`

`002. It is also inappropriate to comment on anyone's genitalia in any context. (E.g. 'balls of steel.') Please remember that many of the staff in the secretarial pool are not native English speakers, and such comments can be confusing and embarrassing.`

`003. Staff are reminded that the U.N.C.L.E. has chosen English to be our international language. We will not accept reports written in Farsi, Sanskrit, French, Urdu, Spanish, Portuguese, Hebrew, Russian, Arabic, Esperanto, Italian, Mandarin, Swahili, Kazakh, German, Malay, Hindi, Korean, Amharic, Punjabi, Afrikaans, Korean, or any combination thereof.`

`004. Language courses featuring a wide variety of global communications, particularly Russian and Italian, are already offered at U.N.C.L.E. Please refrain from expanding one's partner's vocabulary by teaching an impromptu 'Swearing 101'. Particularly if said partner has just done something annoying.`

`005. Staff who are teaching foreign languages to other staff in an official capacity should not 'accidentally make mistakes' with certain phrases. Even if they know Mr. Solo will shortly be meeting a lovely Ambassador who is a THRUSH agent. I don't care how funny it was, Mr. Kuryakin - it's unprofessional. `

`006. A special note to our British agents in New York: please stop telling impressionable youngsters that you are the manager and/or an old school friend of the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones or Marc Bolan.`

`007. You are not allowed to make 'James Bond' jokes. (This includes any and all comments about working alongside or having sexual relations with any Bond girls, James Bond, Ian Fleming, or Sean Connery; especially if made in the presence of British staff.) You are also not allowed to make jokes about 'Matt Helm, 'I Spy', and/or 'Our Man Flint'. `

`008. I am happy to inform you that Agent Ramirez's eyesight will recover completely, as will her leg, and she will only have to wear the dark glasses and use the cane for a short time. Therefore, Agent Ramirez's puppy, while adorable, cannot be classed as a 'trainee seeing-eye dog,' and should not be allowed on U.N.C.L.E. premises. `

`009. I am also reliably informed by our resident experts that Agent Ramirez's 'Husky puppy' is in fact a wolf-cub. I would therefore appreciate it immensely if Ms. Ramirez place said wolf-cub with the zoo or wildlife center of her choice as quickly as possible, preferably before the wolf grows large enough to bite someone's hand off.`

`010. Agents are reminded, again, that camels cannot under any circumstances be classed as 'house pets,' and should never be kept in a New York apartment, or any other place of residence; U.N.C.L.E.'s insurance simply does not cover camels. `

`011. Agents are also reminded that attempting to set up a camel racing team is in breach of a number of U.N.C.L.E. regulations covering proper staff behaviour. Please dispose of all the fake 'permits' you created, Ms. Salafi, and place the camel with the zoo or wildlife center of your choice — preferably before we get sued by the City this time?`

`012. And if you are looking for your boa constrictor, Dr. Emmett, you will find her in the VIP Ladies' Bathroom on Level One.`

`013. Further to the above, please stop using 'diplomatic immunity' to smuggle electronic equipment, clothing, jewellery, alcohol, foodstuffs, drugs, plants, fish, birds, insects, reptiles or animals across international borders. `

`014. Should I discover the name of the person who rigged my waste basket to belch each time paper is thrown into it, Mr. Slate, a severe reprimand will be placed in his file.`

`015. It has come to my attention that U.N.C.L.E. staff are holding contests as to who can most effectively impersonate other people. These contests will cease immediately — most especially any impersonations of high-ranking dignitaries who are in a position to hear them.`

`016. The U.N.C.L.E. maintains a standard professional dress code. (Please see page 21, paragraph B, subsection iii of the U.N.C.L.E. handbook.) No matter what an agent is required to wear in the field to carry out a mission, he should change into something more appropriate once he has entered our offices. Dressing as a sheik, a bandit, or a refugee from Greenwich Village is not considered appropriate, Mr. Kuryakin.`

`017. Supply would also like to remind all Agents that they are not a costume shop. Please return all clothing items you have been issued to them, even if they are in pieces. Also, they want their sheep costume back, Mr. Gupta.`

`018. Staff are not allowed to requisition uniforms or any other of our disguises in order to attend costume parties.`

`019. Staff are not allowed to requisition uniforms or any other of our disguises in order to perpetrate pranks on innocent members of the public. Or on guilty members of the public. Or on U.N.C.L.E. Agents, regardless of their innocence or guilt.`

`020. Staff are allowed to requisition uniforms or any other of our disguises in order to sabotage or fool enemy agents, but they should always inform U.N.C.L.E. superiors prior to putting their plan(s) into motion.`

`021. While we encourage the use of aliases and disguises in the field, it is not appropriate to fool people into thinking you are one of your fellow agents for the purposes of 'meeting some chicks'. Even if you are both blond, blue-eyed and speak with an accent. He's Russian; you're British, Mr. Slate.`

`022. Miss Dancer's spare clothing is kept in her locker for her convenience. It is not to be 'borrowed' for anyone else's use, even if you feel you need it for a disguise. Given that most of the other agents in this office are men, the fact that someone is persistently taking Miss Dancer's clothes is likely to be grounds for disciplinary procedures. Stop it.`

`023. Also, would whoever stole Mr. Slate's ruffled lace shirt and blue velvet suit please return his clothing to him post-haste? I do not care if 'that outfit is a crime against taste and eyes everywhere!' U.N.C.L.E. staff have no authority over what Mr. Slate chooses to wear when he is off-duty.`

`024. The Ladies' changing rooms are not a legitimate target for staff who are 'practising placing observation technology in THRUSH satraps'. I don't care how much 'initiative' it shows.`

`025. Nor are the Mens'. Even if they are 'enemy territory,' Miss Dancer.`

`026. Male staff are asked to refrain from writing names, addresses, telephone numbers, and marks out of ten for various female staff on the walls of the men's toilets.`

`027. Female staff are asked to refrain from writing names, addresses, telephone numbers, and marks out of ten for various male staff on the walls of the women's toilets.`

`028. 'Accidentally' brushing against certain parts of attractive staff members' anatomies during a briefing, especially if it happens repeatedly, constitutes sexual harassment and shall be dealt with as such, regardless of the sex or gender of the agents involved. `

`029. U.N.C.L.E. Receptionists' duties include activating your badges when you enter Headquarters. U.N.C.L.E. Receptionists will not 'activate' anything else, no matter how nicely you ask. How much cleavage the Receptionist may choose to show is an irrelevance. Need I remind you that all U.N.C.L.E. Receptionists are fully-trained Section Three operatives? Accept their refusals gracefully, as avoidable hospitalisations are painful and expensive.`

`030. Agents are required to wear their shoulder harnesses at work at all times. Because she wears a dress at work, Miss Dancer is allowed to wear her weapon in a thigh holster. We all know it's there. Please desist from asking Miss Dancer to prove she has her gun, as Miss Dancer has informed me that she will prove she has her weapon by shooting the next person who asks to see it in the most painful non-life-threatening location possible.`

`031. You are not allowed to tell new members of staff that sleeping with Mr. Solo is an initiation rite. Even if it is.`

`032. Also, please stop producing, circulating and wearing the 'Napoleon Does It Better' badges. And if I never again in my lifetime see or hear staff participating in the occasionally disturbing 'I Slept With Solo' 'drinking game' in the staff canteen, I will die a happy man.`

`033. Staff are not allowed to leave chocolate, alcohol, flowers, or any kind of gift(s) in any Agents' office, locker, or lab, or any furniture therein. Checking for booby-traps and testing for poison is costing us a fortune. Not to mention the stress on poor Mr. Solo's nerves. `

`034. The above rule also applies to Mr. Kuryakin's office, locker, and lab, and any furniture therein. (Also his briefcase, suitcase(s), toolbox, and toolbelt.)`

`035. Personnel files are private and confidential. They are not for finding out co-workers' home addresses, phone numbers, and intimate physical measurements. The U.N.C.L.E. is a law-enforcement agency, not a dating agency.`

`036. Staff are also reminded that it is unprofessional to add forged psychological or psychiatric evaluations to personnel files. `

`037. I mentioned this last year, but now I really must insist that you destroy all the fake IDs, forms, badges, and clipboards you have created for the 'UN Sex Inspectorate.' Apparently, an Ambassador tried to make a formal complaint about his ranking to a UN office in Berne, and they were most bemused by it.`

`038. CF45-R3 Re-imbursement Claim forms should be factual, not fictional. If they are not accompanied by genuine receipts and photographs, they will not be paid. And please stop asking Mr. Jenkins and Miss Petersen to forge these for you.`

`039. Buying gifts for an enemy agent does not count as a valid expense, Mr. Solo, regardless of how useful her gratitude might be.`

`040. Agents who possess the ability to stitch up their partner's wounds should also have the ability to sew a button back on their clothing. Losing a button does not justify the purchase of an entire new outfit, and your expense account claim will be challenged and likely refused.`

`041. When entering the tailor's shop it is polite to say "Hello" to Mr. Del Floria. It is not necessary to add "Hot enough for you?" as steam rises from the iron. The joke wasn't funny the first time.And please stop making jokes about inside leg measurements, or asking him for discounted rates.`

`042. Mr. Del Floria has asked me to remind U.N.C.L.E. staff not to give articles of clothing that need to be cleaned or altered to him, especially if they contain concealed poisons or explosives. `

`043. Please stop playing with the super glue. We are a law enforcement office, not a modern art gallery. There will be severe consequences when I find out who glued Mrs. Nbebe's desk and other office fixtures to her office ceiling.`

`044. It is in extremely poor taste to conduct conversations with cadavers in the morgue. Do not allow this to become an unbreakable habit, Mr. Kuryakin. Emulation of this diversion by other staff is, as with most of Mr. Kuryakin's diversions, to be strongly discouraged.`

`045. Sleep darts are only to be used on enemy agents, no matter how annoying your partner is or how much trouble he or she has got you into.`

`046. On the same note, Medical staff are not allowed to sedate Agents unless it is medically necessary, no matter how annoying they are.`

`047. Agents are not to be called silly nicknames like 'Goldilocks' and/or 'Sleeping Beauty,' unless it's a factually-accurate description, as in Mr. Kuryakin's latest experiences involving three moderately insane THRUSH villains, some cross-dressing, and a brief bout of unconsciousness.`

`048. The Medical department have asked me to remind all staff to refrain from ingesting food colouring(s) before urine tests. `

`049. Whoever appropriated the ten cases of beer from Evidence should be aware that they had been dosed with industrial-strength laxatives by THRUSH. Please return them, unopened, before we all regret it.`

`050. Please stop playing with the laughing gas. It is not a toy.`

`051. Aphrodisiacs are not to be used recreationally, Mr. Solo. I refuse to believe that every single woman you date is an enemy agent, no matter what Mr. Kuryakin says.`

`052. U.N.C.L.E. Agents are not to break Medical quarantine, simply in order to disturb their fellow Agents, regardless of how 'cute' they may appear in nothing but their undergarments. Any further braches of quarintine will result in disciplinary procedures and/ or death, depending on whether I reach you before Dr. Helgasdottir. Please take note of this, Mr. Solo.`

`053. Truth serum is for use on enemy agents only, Mr. Kuryakin. After that incident with Mr. Solo, eleven female staff asked to be transferred and three tendered their resignations. You have only yourselves to blame if you and your partner have a hard time getting your paperwork done now.`

`054. Section 3 is reminded that under Article V, Chapter 4, Section .002, clauses 3a through 3d, debriefing questions of agents are to be limited to obtaining facts pertaining to the mission just completed. It is not an opportunity to obtain details of sexual encounters, no matter how eager he or she is to discuss them.`

`055. Do remember that communicators are only to be used for official purposes, i.e. during missions or emergencies, not for passing on gossip. This rule applies to all staff in all circumstances, no matter who is involved or how outrageous the item of gossip is.`

`056. The discovery that your date would enjoy a threesome with another field agent does not count as an emergency.`

`057. Neither does the discovery that you have run out of vodka and require your partner to buy you some more.`

`058. All staff are reminded that they are only allowed to strip-search staff who have had recent contact with enemy agents. 'Recent' means 'within the last forty-eight hours', not 'within the last twelve months'. Staff do not have the right to demand to be strip-searched, either.`

`059. Captured Thrush agents are not to be used for 'target practice,' regardless of how often they have subjected U.N.C.L.E. agents to torture and/or annoyances. Try to remember, Mr. Kuryakin, that you are not in the U.S.S.R. anymore; U.N.C.L.E. are not the K.G.B.`

`060. While I applaud your spirit of innovation, it has come to my attention that the insurance company set up to entrap THRUSH and other villains by offering 'Tank Insurance' and 'Hideout Buildings and Contents Insurance' is in fact accepting innocent customers. I appreciate the need for an effective cover, but nonetheless, all of those premiums must be returned. I don't care how much of a profit that business is making.`

`061. Staff are reminded that they are not allowed to join any cults, or start any cults. Even if it is 'a pre-emptive strike against the next megalomaniac who tries to take over the world.'`

`062. Ms. Withers, please stop leaving report cards with failing marks on the desk of Mr. Porter at the C.I.A. head office. We do have to work with the C.I.A. sometimes, and I promise you that Mr. Porter has been permanently assigned to Administrative duties, and will never work in the field again.`

`063. It is highly unprofessional to use U.N.C.L.E. equipment to hack into the databanks of the C.I.A. Will whoever changed the access codes of Mr. Frederick Stevens please inform him of what they now are? Or at least, inform someone in the C.I.A. of the new codes, as they are now having difficulty in accessing any of the files which require Mr. Stevens's clearance levels.`

`064. It is highly unprofessional to use U.N.C.L.E. equipment to hack into the databanks of the F.B.I. Will whoever changed the access codes of Mr. J. Edgar Hoover please inform him of what they now are? Or at least, inform someone in the FBI of the new codes, as they are now having difficulty in accessing any of the files which require Mr. Hoover's clearance levels.`

`065. Also, would whoever stole the prototype stealth jet from Area 52 for the fourth time please return it? I really must ask all U.N.C.L.E. staff to stop stealing U.S.A.F. kit; it was funny the first time, but the U.S.A.F. are getting quite annoyed with us now.`

`066. U.N.C.L.E. has spent considerable time and money in creating a top-of-the-line security system for each agent's residence. We routinely test these systems at least once a month. It is not necessary for an agent to test the alarm themselves, even if it makes your date feel that he or she would be safer spending the night in your apartment rather than going home. And four false alarms due to 'testing' in one week are excessive.`

`067. The surveillance cameras are part of our security measures. They are not to be used for impromptu karaoke videos.`

`068. Or pornography. I refuse to consider this an example of initiative, and will not be swayed by mention of the amount of money these videos are being sold for. Do please consider that many of the customers will probably be more interested in blackmail than in amusing themselves. The use of disguises is not sufficient protection against this risk.`

`069. U.N.C.L.E. staff are expected to anticipate the consequences of their planned actions. Staff who plant audio or visual recording devices in Mr. Solo's bedroom are entirely responsible for their own ensuing lascivious urges and/or psychological trauma. `

`070. Furthermore, it is inappropriate to spread such urges or trauma by screening said recordings, especially before staff meetings.`

`071. And once again, I must ask all agents to return their night vision goggles to Supply. They are not toys.`

`072. Miniature cameras are not to be used for photographing the tops of stockings in order to 'research more effective fastening devices, otherwise known as garters.' Let Research handle that, Mr. Kuryakin. Miniature cameras are for photographing documents, not promising pairs of legs. I have warned you about this several times before, Mr. Solo; please don't make me give you The Lecture again.`

`073. Research and Development are also responsible for any and all 'research into building a better brassiere,' and they do not need your assistance, Mr. Hughes.`

`074. Each agent is assigned a maximum of two pairs of handcuffs. You are not permitted to take more for 'emergencies.' Discovering the bed was a four-poster, and/or that your date brought her friend, room-mate, brother, sister, or cousin along, Mr. Solo, does not count as an 'emergency.'`

`075. My conference table is to be used in its prescribed manner, Mr. Solo, not for antics more suited to the bedroom. 'THRUSH must have brainwashed me' is only a believable excuse the first time.`

`076. Please stop bringing food and drink into the labs, and especially the computer rooms. The equipment is very expensive, and tremendously hard to clean. The next person to spill chilli, coffee, tea, vodka, or anything else over one of the mainframes will have the cost of cleaning and repairs taken out of their salary.`

`077. Staff are also reminded that we have perfectly serviceable chairs that we have paid good money to obtain. Please refrain from perching on desks, computer consoles, and any item of furniture not fabricated for your posteriors. `

`078. Modifying office furniture in any way is forbidden. Research and Development will always have the fastest-rolling chairs, and we may as well all admit it to ourselves and have done.`

`080. To that end, would whoever borrowed the explosives, jet fuel, and various rockets from Lab Three please return them immediately. I think we can all do without another Incident like the one last Wednesday.`

`081. I agree in principle that a U.N. presence in space would be a good idea, but I must point out that our current budget would not cover such an expensive project. I am afraid a moon base, satellite space station, and rocket ships are not really within our purview — unless and until THRUSH create their own space base. `

`082. Dr. Nicholson, please stop sending THRUSH instruction manuals entitled 'Satellites, Spaceships and Space Bases In Ten Easy Steps' and 'How To Build A Moonbase For Morons!'; if you are that desperate to be the first Puerto Rican in space, might I suggest you send these manuals and a copy of your curriculum vitae to N.A.S.A.?`

`083. Staff are not allowed to build stills using U.N.C.L.E. technology, THRUSH technology, or any combination thereof. Not even for 'research purposes.'`

`084. Research and Development staff are reminded that captured THRUSH technology is to be studied for practical uses, not for use in practical jokes.`

`085. Research & Development staff are not allowed to test anything 'under real world conditions' without submitting a C51-E2 Plan form at least two weeks in advance, and a N193-12 Permission form in triplicate. You must also obtain prior written consent from everyone involved. Especially if you are putting anything in anyones' food or drink. `

`086. Research & Development staff are not allowed to test anything on themselves, either, even if the substance(s) in question (such as lysergic acid diethylamide, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, benzodiazepine, sodium thiopental, alpha-methyl-phenethylamine, and various cannabinoids) could be 'very useful against enemy agents one day.' `

`087. Whilst sampling the results of our latest pharmacological research may be useful in inspiring creative thinking, I really must insist that Research & Development personnel be supervised during such experiments, and prevented from accessing recording devices, photographic equipment, Xerox machines, and most especially any form of communication device. `

`088. Further to the above, they should not be permitted to submit reports on new ideas until the drugs have worn off and they have had a chance to review their ideas and check them against the laws of physics and the far more immutable laws of fiscal responsibility. I trust I do not need to mention The Affair Of The Bowler Hat again? `

`089. Although the amphibious speedboat-car, the submarine car, and the flying car are all excellent ideas, U.N.C.L.E.'s Chief Financial Officer feels quite strongly that development of new cars would be best left to General Motors.`

`090. The Mobile Telephone Communications Unit is a good idea, but the backpack and battery pack really must weigh less than 25lbs to be useful, otherwise we're sticking to our existing communicator pens.`

`091. The Mobile Computation Unit suffered from the same difficulties, I'm afraid. Agents thought the idea of a mobile computer sounded useful in certain special circumstances, but that the folding 6ft radio mast and the 106lb backpack might be something of a challenge to handle in the field.`

`092. If a magnetic bullet-deflecting wristwatch worked, this would be revolutionary. Unfortunately, I am reliably informed that the laws of physics still apply, and do not permit a magnet small enough to fit into a device the size of a wristwatch to produce a magnetic field powerful enough to actually deflect a bullet. Please stop reading Wonder Woman comics.`

`093. In the recent case of the Metal Dentures, Mr. Solo objected on aesthetic grounds, but Mr. Kuryakin's criticisms were far more to the point: the human jaw is not capable of exerting a significant enough biteforce to make these an effective weapon.`

`094. While Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin both greatly enjoyed testing the exploding pen device — and I understand the betting pool has developed an entirely new form of roulette based upon it — exploding pens are both far too dangerous to Agents' appendages and not nearly dangerous enough to enemy agents to be put into production.`

`095. Explosive devices are not toys and should not be played with, so please stop juggling grenades, semtex, C-4, or any other form of plastic explosive, especially in front of the new staff. I don't care how close you are to beating Delacroix's record.`

`096. Furthermore, it is unprofessional to run a betting pool on how large an explosion Mr. Kuryakin can cause if or when he drops said explosives.`

`097. U.N.C.L.E. has not budgeted for the cost of damages and/or hospital treatment related to agents sneaking up behind Mr. Kuryakin and shouting 'Boom!' This is not due to an oversight: It is because such expenditure should be unnecessary.`

`098. You are not allowed to bet on the outcome of missions. This includes: no./type of clothing ruined, no./type of vehicles destroyed, no./type of buildings destroyed, mental stability of enemy agent(s), mental stability of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), ease of capture of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), type(s) of restraints used on U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), sexual performance of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s) with innocents/enemy agents/each other, etc.`

`099. Staff are reminded that they are not under any circumstances allowed to trade U.N.C.L.E. technology for any of the following: bootleg records, bootleg pornography, Kalashnikov AK-47's, cigarettes, alcohol, tanks, sexual favours, or small children.`

`100. Finally, I really must insist in the strongest possible terms that all staff immediately stop experimenting with radioactive materials, nuclear fission and cold fusion. I've told you several times before — our insurance does not cover nuclear explosions.`

`I trust that this list has helped to clarify matters, and that there will be no further Incidents. `

` **A. W.** `

` P.S. Tying my pipe cleaners together is not funny, no matter how amusing the resulting 'sculpture' is. Remember, Mr. Slate — I have my eye on you.  
`


End file.
